On my birthday, January 3rd of 2011, I published a long autobiographical blog entitled "What Do I Want From This Life?" 41st Birthday Lament. This was the final paragraph:
"What do I want from this life?"
I want to love the Lord God with all my mind, heart, soul, and strength. But with what I've been through right now, I just can't seem to find much love. My mind seems dull, my heart is cold, my soul is in the wilderness, and my strength has failed me.
Not much changed in my life until December 23rd, 2011, when I had a stroke in the middle of the night. When my Dad found me. I was semi-conscious, couldn't move the right side of my body, couldn't speak, and was seriously cognitively impaired. I was fortunate in that my facilities began coming back to me fairly quickly. I was out of the hospital in less than a week and, after a short stay in a nursing home/rehab facility, was back home by my 42nd birthday. I had a few months of physical and cognitive therapy. I recovered better physically than cognitively or emotionally. I am less confident and more withdrawn.
But with what I've been through right now, I just can't seem to find much love. My mind seems dull, my heart is cold, my soul is in the wilderness, and my strength has failed me.
The problems I outlined in these sentences have only magnified post-stroke. It's been almost four years since, and I am still in a kind of shock.
Even still, I believe God has a great love for me even though I really just don't understand it.
I guess you could say God and I are not on speaking terms at this point in my life.
What do I want from this life?
For whatever reason, I decided not to publish this blog right away on the morning of 10/19/16. I decided to post.
